He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
