My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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