She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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