It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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