That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
