I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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