Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
