so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
