So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I love how my cats smell like pot.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
the liver wants what the liver wants
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
