tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
