I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
