My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
