If i come over, it means nothing
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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