Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
