i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Ladies don't puke and tell
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
