i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
