Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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