just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
