I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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