I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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