ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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