why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
