He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
