Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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