The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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