So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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