Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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