Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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