I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
