Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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