Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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