I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
