Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
