you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
