3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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