And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
