In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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