Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
