There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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