Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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