I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
