found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Gay?
German.
Pity.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
