go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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