why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
