and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
