Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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