wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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