I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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