i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
