He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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