i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
