OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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