Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
cat food counts as protein by the way
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
