He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
