cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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