I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
