She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize