She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
