Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
