a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
