I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
