shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
